Somewhat inevitably, there was considerably more choice for the worst films of the year than the best ones. That’s not to suggest 2010 was the worst year in film history: sadly, the chaff is always available in greater quantity than the wheat.
As with the other list, there’s no suggestion that this is a comprehensive list of the year’s turkeys. There are many swords – The Last Airbender, All About Steve and The Bounty Hunter to name but three – that I didn’t have to fall on. There are also a few surprise entries on the list, which isn’t to suggest they’re rubbish films, more that they were massive disappointments. Or, in at least a couple of cases, both. So, shall we?
Kick-Ass – ooh, was that a sharp intake of breath I heard? I know lots of people — and lots of colleagues here in fact — loved this tongue-in-cheek twist on the superhero genre and maybe my utter loathing of it is based as much in their overhyping as it is the fact I thought it was a load of tedious old bollocks. Aaron Johnson is a terrible leading man — am I the only one who thinks he sounds like he’s on helium? — and, while the Nic Cage cameo is moderate fun, the whole Hit Girl sweary / violence issue WAS just there for controversy’s sake. A promising start, a messy ending and inbetween just a rambling load of crap. With other films on this list I can still appreciate why people loved them. Kick-Ass, however, remains a complete mystery.
Leap Year – Amy Adams in a silly romantic comedy. That’s never going to be bad, right? Oh how we were proved wrong with this patronising, unfunny, charm-free “Oirish”-set tale of Leap Year marriage proposals and “unlikely” (read “completely fucking obvious”) attraction. When even the lovely Ms Adams can’t provide a single redeeming quality, you can only imagine how awful this is.
Did You Hear About The Morgans? – Yes. They’re shite. Hugh Grant gets to be Hugh Grant. Sarah Jessica Parker gets to be Sarah Jessica Parker. It’s written and directed by Marc “Music & Lyrics” Lawrence. This should have been, at worse, a perfectly enjoyable three star film. The key personnel are dependable sorts, the premise – divorcing couple witness a murder, fall back in love while in witness protection – has a certain amount of in-built (if hackneyed) comedy potential and the supporting cast — MarySteenburgen, Sam Elliott — know their way around a script. The only laugh though is one of relief when it’s all over.
Gulliver’s Travels – this has been the year of big casts in bad movies. Gulliver features Jack Black, Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet, Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, plus British comedy talent like Catherine Tate, James Corden and Chris O’Dowd and raise precisely NO laughs, despite their frantic attempts to milk something, anything from the embarrassing dialogue and situations. And then, just when you think it can’t get any worse, Jack Black gets what I assume is his contractual obligation song, solving Lilliput’s ongoing border dispute with a rendition of War. I tell you Gulliver’s Travels — good God, y’all — what is it good for? Well, on DVD it’ll make a nice coaster, but that’s about it.
Buried – ooh, another sharp intake of breath. Let’s get one thing clear: Ryan Reynolds was fantastic, Oscar-worthy in fact, in this tale of an abducted truck driver buried alive by his Iraqi kidnappers, with only a dying mobile phone for company. What a great premise: stuck in a box underground, trying to arrange a rescue and work out why you’re there. However, within minutes, the logic starts to unravel: if they’ve kidnapped him for money, why then knock him unconscious and bury him when they have no idea if he’ll come round before: a) he suffocates; and b) they can collect the ransom? Either hold him prisoner (like the other hostage that gets shown via video clip) or just kill him. Why spend an hour digging a hole and covering him up again? And once you’ve spotted one flaw, the rest — and there are dozens — will leave you giggling at the sheer stupidity of it all. Also — and Phonebooth did this too — when you have a great set-up and a race against time, why do you have to add all these silly extra moments of tension? The snake that somehow sneaks into his trousers? A fire in the box? Why stop there? Why not a haunted coffin, a rabid mole and a fucking zombie attack? Even suspending disbelief in terms of the mobile coverage — he gets better reception in a box underground in Iraq than I get in North London — Buried just stretches incredulity to breaking point. As for the ending... SPOILER ALERT. The coffin lid breaks and sand starts pouring in on top of Ryan Reynolds. That’s ON Ryan Reynolds. Who’s lying flat against the bottom of the box. Other than a need to squeeze a few seconds of extra tension at the further expense of sense, logic and reason, please explain to me how the sand pushes him up towards the lid? Hilariously dumb.
Clash of the Titans 3D – And I stress the “3D” bit. In 2D, as you may have seen on DVD or Blu-Ray, this is a perfectly acceptable slice of mythology-influenced hokum, a two, maybe three star film that does what it says on the tin. In 3D — assuming it doesn’t stand for “Distract-o-Vision “ — it’s an utter mess. The inept transfer to cinema’s latest fad makes the actors frequently seem to be standing in front of a screen showing Clash of the Titans. Liam Neeson’s hair appears to be in a completely different film to the rest of him. Pegasus has six legs. Quite how they let this get released is a mystery.
Alice In Wonderland – Tim Burton “reimagines” Lewis Carroll and decides that Alice didn’t dream of Wonderland at all. No. Because he’s got big hair and hasn’t made a decent film in a decade, he’s decided it all really happened in a place called Underland and Alice had simply misheard as a child. Now she’s older and has to return — via a framing device that wants to have its dream sequence and, er, eat it — to save Underland from the Red Queen. Boring, annoying, presumptuous, arrogant, unfunny... Mr Burton? You can fuck right off.
Four Lions – I reckon this one won’t be as much a sharp intake of breath, as a Chris Griffin -esque slow “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” I love Chris Morris. The Day Today was incredible, Brass Eye ditto. Both have held up to (many) repeat viewings. Morris taking on suicide bombers / the threat of Islamic fundamentalism should have been dark and funny and pointed. Instead, we got a film that didn’t know where it was going or how to end when it got there, a trailer that contained ALL the jokes and a complete waste of Julia Davis: she was like the surreally stupid neighbour who wandered in from a completely different film. The year’s biggest disappointment by some margin.
My Last Five Girlfriends / 7th Dimension / It’s A Wonderful Afterlife – OK, I’m cheating, but these three British efforts were the sort of film that our industry MUST STOP MAKING. My Last Five Girlfriends at least showed some creativity but was all style with no substance. The 7th Dimension was like a 1970’s ITV sci-fi that wasn’t a tenth as clever as it smugly thought it was while Afterlilfe just made me wish everyone involved with it dead. And preferably a long, slow, drawn-out, joke free death so they knew how it felt.
Grown Ups / Dinner For Schmucks – another wee cheat but these two share a similar problem: with the personnel involved — Steve Carell, Adam Sandler, Paul Rudd, Chris Rock, Kevin James — there should have been belly laughs. We’d have settled for titters or chuckles too, or even just a smile. But they delivered nothing except further confirmation that the gulf between American and British humour is ever widening.
So there you have it. No mention for Cop Out (terrible but I can’t bring myself to ever completely hate anything Kevin Smith does), Dogtooth (how fucking pretentious?), Tron Legacy (oh why didn’t you make my head explode?) or Marmaduke, but it was close...