Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus review (DVD) ★

If you’re a fan of cinema, at some point you’ve probably fantasised about exactly what you’d like to see on screen. A pairing of certain actors, or a sequel to your favourite classic; maybe Natalie Portman in a wet T-shirt. Whatever. Hundreds of films are released each year, catering to all tastes, and the chances are that if you’re looking for something, you’ll find it. Well, if you’ve ever dreamt about seeing a 1500-foot prehistoric shark leaping out of the water with a submarine between its teeth, then look no further – Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus will scratch that itch. And that’s really all you need to decide if you’re going to see this film or not. If you haven’t stopped reading yet, chances are this Z-grade monster mash-up is for you.

We’re firmly back with our filmmaking friends from The Asylum here. Since 1997, this small independent studio has been churning out ultra-low budget trash and blockbuster imitations with unrelenting speed, releasing around 15 direct-to-video-and-cable flicks a year – each featuring terrible effects, cheap locations and washed up 1980s actors or former pop princesses. In the best tradition of old exploitation houses like AIP or New World, a lurid poster and outrageous title are generally more important than content. These are the things that stand out to a kid in a video store on a Friday night, and they’re what sell. And amazingly, The Asylum continues to make money. Constantly. They make them cheap, sell them cheap, and sell a lot. CEO David Michael Latt proudly states they have never lost money on a release. Regardless of your opinion of their output, that’s admirable.

The Megalodon from Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is back in vengeance mode, attacking a battleship on patrol in the Atlantic and leaving a young lieutenant (White) as the only survivor. Coincidentally, White is working on a sonic repellent device for sharks. Elsewhere, big game hunter Stretch has captured a giant crocodile and is transporting it by sea, along with hundreds of her eggs. Smelling lunch and a hell of a fight, the Megalodon attacks.

Plotwise, this is pretty much as far as we’re going, for both this review and the audience. Any form of continuity, logic or pacing is discarded in favour of the huge beasts beating the crap out of each other. White and Stretch team up with bored-looking pilot Living (who is either a marine biologist or Special Agent, the script can’t decide) and spend the remaining running time sitting in a helicopter cockpit mock-up watching barrel-scraping CGI. The croc mysteriously manages to lay more eggs in various locations around the globe. Cult actor Robert Picardo turns up as a Naval general and looks embarrassed. After dragging the Sub out the water the shark then swallows it whole (prompting a radar operator to exclaim, “Sir, the shark has gone nuclear!”). Panic ensues as the battling beasts approach the coast, wipe out a town, and then are suddenly back in the middle of the ocean. Lieving runs around for a while in a dirty vest, Stretch reads his lines from a card and White hatches a plan to get his sonic balls into the depths of the Atlantic, detonate a Teutonic fissure and destroy our titular heroes. It’s nowhere nearly as good as it sounds.

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus is obviously a bad movie, but you get the impression that The Asylum have no problem with that. Take a quick look at the making-of feature in the extras to see that the cast and crew are under no illusions. But there’s no gore, no violence, no nudity and no quirky characters - this is an exploitation movie devoid of staples of the genre. The film does what the title states, but the croc and shark effects are truly dreadful, like cut-scenes from a mid 90’s playstation game. A low budget isn’t an excuse not to make an effort; you only have to look at the work director Gareth Edwards did with Monsters last year, but The Asylum are only interested in the next project. Worryingly, a final coda reveals that a giant lizard has been spotted in Japan, and this comes after a climax that shows the Shark and Crocodile joined together and sinking into the darkness. So expect Mega Sharkodile Vs Robolizard soon. Or something similar. Just don’t expect a shred of quality. Truly, utterly dreadful.