Reviewed by Steve Sparshott
Stars Lorenzo Lamas, Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao,
Sean Lawlor, Dean Kreyling, Stephen Blackehart, Dustin Harnish, Mark Hengst, Michael Teh, Jonathan Nation
Written by Jack Perez (aka Ace Hannah)
Certification UK 15 | US R
Runtime 85 minutes (US: 90 minutes)
Directed by Ace Hannah (aka Jack Perez)
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus purports to be directed by Ace Hannah, a pseudonym for actual director Alan Smithee, who insisted his name be removed from the credits. Ace totally wrote the astonishing screenplay himself, too.
Deborah (aka Debbie) Gibson (Tiffany wasn’t available) is typecast as maverick marine biologist and crack submarine driver Emma MacNeil. Actual actor Lorenzo Lamas features in the film’s first 10 minutes, but then disappears without explanation, hinting at later, increasingly radical departures from everyday filmmaking. Ace’s defiance of cinematic convention makes von Trier look tentative; plot, character, pace, logic, reason and quality fall before his visionary genius. Shark doesn’t just rewrite the rulebook; it can’t read, so it uses it to wipe its arse and flushes it away. Story? Yes: joyriding a mini-sub in the Arctic Sea, MacNeil witnesses a bleeping cone shattering the icy prison of two monumental 18m-year-old sea creatures, with hilarious consequences.
The film is replete with repeat action scenes in which helicopters, planes, subs, ships, whales and Mega and Giant themselves go through the same motions over and over; some viewers will become nostalgic for Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Appropriately for a tale about the reappearance of prehistoric lifeforms (starring Debbie Gibson), Shark feels like a return to the '80s, a simpler time when audiences’ low expectations were barely met. Occasional attempts are made at depicting monster-scale destruction on a piggybank budget. These involve a dramatic build-up featuring plenty of those repeat action scenes, followed by lots of camera shake and an abrupt return to tranquility, leaving the audience going Wait … what? Sadly, Mega never quite lives up to the audacity of his first attack (leaping into the air to bite a Boeing 747. Yes), and Giant’s first appearance, mounting a classic-style assault on a Japanese oil rig, is his finest moment too. The CGI sequences look like cut scenes from a PSX game – that’s not disparagement, it’s the truth.
Teamwork, bravado and science’s superiority to military blundering lie at the film’s human core, exemplified by a delightful scene in which MacNeil and the boys homebrew randy prehistoric octopus pheromones from several test tubes of Snapple. If the words SCIENCE MONTAGE had flashed up on the screen, nobody would have batted an eyelid. Shark swims along in a current of blinkered bonhomie. Like rain- and cider-sodden festivalgoers, Gibson and friends are beyond the pain and having a whale of a time. Giant’s performance is shadowy and nuanced, wordlessly conveying his thoughts through sunken eyes and a bulbous face, while Mega literally chews the scenery. Even the most pedestrian establishing shots such as Ext: A nice house are pumped full of drama with nuclear-strike flashes and stabs of percussion.
The film, especially the script, offers up more wonders than you can shake a stick at. Lines like “Cool it, hombre!” and “It rises!” are as unexpected and memorable as being shat on by a pigeon. Shark feels like a first-year project from Jar Jar’s Movie School; it has a unique voice, but so does Joe Pasquale. The word "versus" in a film’s title is rarely indicative of high quality. It’s about time this genre’s ultimate champion was decided by a tag team smackdown: Alien, Jason, Kramer, Godzilla and Joe vs. Predator, Freddy, Kramer, Mothra and the Volcano. Dig deep down the back of the sofa, people; let’s make this happen!