Reviewed by Neil Davey
Stars Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, Ken Davitian, Diedrich Bader, Method Man,
Jared Dauplaise, Phil Morris, Jim Piddock, Nicole Parker | Written by Jason Freidberg & Aaron Seltzer
UK certification 15 | UK RRP £19.99 | Runtime 83 minutes | Directed by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
We did actually contemplate spending as much time and effort on reviewing Meet The Spartans as the makers did on writing and shooting it. However, if we'd done that, we'd have had to stop the review somewhere in the middle of the cast list. To call Meet The Spartans a sickening, calculating attempt to part stupid American teenagers from their money is only part of the story. It's perhaps the worst film ever made. It's certainly the worst thing I've had to sit through in 14 years of reviewing.
The temptation to review it in words of one syllable, so the makers and the target audience can understand, is tempting and more than feasible. "It's a pile of shit." See? Easy. And if we were to do that, we could use the time spent reviewing this pile of shit to go and watch something that, in comparison, is a work of comedic genius: Norbit, say, or Lady Godiva. However, we've built the Screenjabber reputation on thorough analysis and constructive criticism, hence even the "cheap" option would require more than dismissing Meet The Spartans as a pile of shit because, in truth, it's a pile of lazy, cynical, desperately unfunny shit.
Genre-wise, this 300 mickey-take falls into the pile of misjudged parodies, a la Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie etc. Actually, not only does it fall into that particular pile, it sinks rapidly to the bottom. There isn't a single gag that works and most of its targets are painfully outdated. After Leonidas (Maguire) has kicked the Persian Emissary into the pit of death, for example, he's then faced with Britney Spears (Parker, who generally deserves better than this) who, get this, isn't wearing panties. Oh the hilarity. Will it ever start? After dispatching Spears, he then kicks the American Idol judging panel into the pit. Happily they stop here, although there's yet more equally crap pit of death gags — George Bush, Dane Cook, Ellen — over the interminable end credits. Worst of all, the quality of the lookalikes is so poor that they have to explain who each target is. Mad TV's Parker is generally the exception — her Paula Abdul is excellent, ditto Ellen, and the Britney's pretty good vocally — but these aren't exactly difficult or original targets. By the time they get to Paris Hilton (as a pantie-less hunchback) and Lindsay Lohan (pantie-less and leaving rehab) you figure they might as well have made a joke about other topical, relevant targets. Vera Lynn, for example. Or Richard Nixon.
The makers clearly think that by giving characters silly names, making them fight Rocky Balboa or having King Xerxes (Borat's Davitian) turn into a Transformer they're the new bearers of the comedy torch lit by Airplane. They're not. Airplane hit its targets by playing it straight and allowing the humour to arise (mostly) naturally from the situation. In Meet The Spartans, the comedy is shoehorned in — in spectacularly embarrassing fashion — and everyone involved seems to be playing their roles with a cheery wink, clearly acknowledging that they're in a comedy. There are two problems with that. First of all, the knowing air undermines any potential the humour might have had. Secondly, as we've already established, Meet The Spartans isn't a comedy. It's a steaming great pile of lazy, cynical, desperately unfunny shit. Hell, the only reason we've given it no stars is because the software won't allow us to give negative scores.
When we see a film we like — Juno, for example, or In Search of a Midnight Kiss — we want to get behind it and celebrate. Seeing those films early feels like a blessing and a cause for celebration, a chance to endorse something we love and to shout our recommendations from the rooftops. Reviewing Meet The Spartans feels like falling on a grenade. We've met them, they're crap, stay away.
EXTRAS * In case you hadn't burnt the DVD after watching this movie, you could also experience the delights of a cast and crew commentary which does nothing to excuse or explain any of the bullshit they just hurled at you; a gag reel that's just a collection of outtakes and deleted scenes which are just as lazy, unimaginative and pointless as the rest of the movie; "Meet the Spartans: The Music" which is LITERALLY just all the scenes with music in repeated for no reason whatsoever — possibly the most flagrant attempt to beef up an extras list we've ever seen; "Prepare for Thrusting" is a basic making-of with lot more repeated moments and possibly the funnist bits of the film: Kevin Sorbo mocking Hercules: the Legendary journeys; a set tour which again tries to be funny but isn't; and a stupid pop culture quiz.