Killer Bitch review (DVD) ★

Gaining controversy simply because it's Alex Reid's (property of Jordan/Katie Price) first film and he happens to be featured in a rape scene that actually doesn't really turn out to be quite as it sounds, Killer Bitch isn't in any way, shape or form controversial. Everything in in that's taboo—and there's a lot—has already been done to death. It opens with a hardcore sex scene with an apparent “porn legend” that has absolutely no purpose being in the film, other than perhaps for the film-makers to show off their sleazy viagra-popping acquisition, although why anyone would give a damn is completely beyond me. Two pornstars going at it for real in a “legitimate” feature film is nothing new, so it just isn't shocking. New French Extreme film Baise-Moi gained notoriety back in 2000 for its hardcore sex scenes. Hell, it was even done in the late '70s with Japan's In the Realm of the Senses.

The plot of Killer Bitch is convoluted and goes as deep as a footprint in the snow—there's no way I'd ever call it a story because nothing unfolds, nothing is told. It's just a situation: a woman is forced by the toughest mobsters in London to kill five people on a list in a “game” or her work colleagues, friends and family will be slaughtered. That's it, there's nothing else to it. The gangsters bluntly refuse to explain why exactly she's playing the game, which is just utterly annoying because it gives us absolutely no insight into anything beyond the situation. The film cries out for a story.

It's an incredibly gritty film, lest not for a purposeful aesthetic, but because it looks like shit. The cameras used are atrocious, the sound is off, the locations uninspired. And the acting? The performances stink, but I'm not about to blame the majority of the cast, because they're mostly real-life gangsters—some retired, some still active—and you can't blame them for being cast in a movie when they know nothing about acting. Is it an original, interesting dynamic for them to pretty much be playing themselves? Yes, but I'd rather these vapours of midguided originality and interest were dissipated in favour of hiring actual actors. Non-gangbanger Alex Reid has experience in front of the camera, but he's awful, and so does Yvette Rowland as, in a sense, the title character. I'm not quite sure who gives the worst performance here, but rarely have I seen so much overacting as I have with Rowland. And is that botched plastic surgery on her face? A scene of her attempting to cry had me wondering if I was watching the resurrection of Michael Jackson.

Somewhere in the foul concoction that is this movie lies a terrible script. Every other word is 'cunt'. I seriously doubt that any film has ever had that word uttered more times than in Killer Bitch. It's so unnecessary. Just because they're gangsters it means that their vocabulary is limited to not much more than that four-letter obscenity? Please.

Save your money if you're expecting a well-acted, hard-as-nails British gangster movie about blood and bullets. Here the actors laugh when they're supposed to be dead, the blood is pink and the guns are handled like toys. I'd recommend it if you want a good laugh, though—it's so poorly made it could be recut as an all-out comedy. On second thought, don't buy this film at all. Let's face it, people are only going to purchase it for Alex Reid's insignificant few minutes on screen, and it's certainly not worth the money and financing of a sequel that the conclusion so blatantly sets up. Killer Bitch is so bad it's... just bad.

EXTRAS ★ Killer Babes: a segment on the women of the film; Killer Controversy: quotes from the press about the film, plus shots from different angles of the rape scene involving Alex Reid; Killer Sex: footage from the hardcore sex scene that opens the film; Killer Chopper: outtakes of a certain scene in the movie involving a hatchet and genitals; Killer Cut: a rehearsal for a cut scene involving Alex Reid and Yvette Rowland; bloopers and the trailer.