Army of the Dead review (DVD) ★

Review by Adam Stephen Kelly
Stars Ross Kelly, Stefani Marchesi, Miguel Martinez, Mike Hatfield, Malcolm Madera, Audrey Anderson,
Vic Browder, Jocelyn Tucker, Jeff Mocho, Casey Messer | Written by Michael Ciccolini & Tom Woosley
UK Certification 18 | UK RRP £12.99 | DVD Region 2 | Runtime 89 minutes | Directed by Joseph Conti

What's not to like about a skeletal warrior branding a SPAS-12 combat shotgun? While admittedly the cover art for Army of the Dead includes this mildly awesome visual, the film itself sadly cannot compete with 182x271mm of photo paper.

Now if you couldn't tell by the helmet in the artwork, the walking bags of bones in the film are conquistadores. A professor leads a group of his students to Mexico's Baja Peninsula under the false pretence of racing around the desert in dune buggies. In actuality, the goal of his trip to discover El Dorado, the lost city of gold. Yes, it's one of those movies. Unfortunately for him, he walks right into the middle of a 400-year-old curse and awakens Coronado's lost army, men who were sent by the conquistador to discover El Dorado in 1590, but never returned. So, rather predictably, the humans, in the company of bandits with their own agenda for the treasure, find themselves in a fight for survival against the sword, shield, bow and arrow, and yes, eventually shotgun-wielding ex-humans.

I'm not quite sure why the press release summarises the film as “a fantastic mix of Indiana Jones, Mars Attacks! and Jason and the Argonauts”. Okay, so there are skeletons with swords, fair enough, I get the Jason reference, but does that mean that any movie featuring lost treasure inherently likens itself to the Indy movies? And what in the name of Satan's portion does it have to do with Tim Burton's alien invasion comedy?

Not only is the plot dangerously deep in a mire of stupidity, but the performances and writing are similarly unpleasant to sit through - the characters are about as fleshed out as the bones. The skeletons aren't too appealing, either, with each one being completely identical to the other, and for this reason I was reminded of Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Now that's a film this one should be likened to with its wholly horrendous CG.

Indiana Jones, Mars Attacks! and Jason and the Argonauts aside, here's a real, honest quote that should be printed on the DVD sleeve, right beside the title: Army of the Dead is chronically boring.

EXTRAS None.

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